Quitter or Survivor?

"Finish what you start" is my middle name. I don't always get it right or follow through with things at the PACE I should and generally speaking I am a procrastinator, but I do get things done. And my whole history on earth proves that. So instead of ticking off one after the other accomplishments in my life, suffice it to say I am no quitter.

Or am I?

I mean, I never quit relationships when they're done. That makes me STUPID, but no quitter. I never leave a JOB when they are done with me; instead I fight to the very bitter end, tents drawn up, horses packed, side walks dusted, train whistles blowing, planes roaring overhead...and there I am, looking around asking, "What? What's going on? Where's everybody going in such a hurry?" Clueless I am but a quitter? I am not.

So when I (a public servant) decided --admittedly on a whim-- that I wasn't doing enough working fulltime (40+ hours a week) for the parks and recreation department, commuting 10 hours a week, volunteering for my hometown planning/zoning AND recreation committees, as well as just having started a "writer's group"--something that became an instant "hit". I decided to become an EMT!

Now, I had gone through many similar courses: backcountry first aid and advanced first aid, First Responder, not to mention a myriad of other like annual courses that I took due to the nature of my public service WORK. So when this "crisis of great magnitude" came up in my social community on-line bulletin board known as FRONT PAGE FORUM, I just HAD to respond.

Red flags pop up in life and in this case early. I told my sisters about my plan and they texted back "cool" and "nice"-- my sisters are NOT sisters of few words. I briefly thought "wait just a minute" and then ignored my intuition..something I KNOW never to do, and proceeded to run right up to the squad room and "sign up". I was vetted by the "board" and did some paperwork (W-9, letting them photocopy my passport, etc. and I think I may have signed a document promising to do something or other, but I'm not entirely certain.) I picked up the 9 pound book and off I went two nights per week from 6-9 pm and all-day Saturdays until (it seemed) practically the end of time.

Now, I couldn't see anything wrong with it except that I started being quizzed and tested, got 65, 65, 87 and 70 on those tests and the thought "Would you want a doctor who got a 70 on his surgery test taking out your appendix?" popped into my head several times over the following weeks.  I needed to be sure but I was already IN it. Knee deep. I was trepidatious all the while. But did I quit? NO Not for some time. Instead I made a list inside my head of reasons I signed up in the first place. Or the reason.

As I said before, I am a public servant. I'm paid to be one, but still...I work for the good of the public. And my volunteer jobs speak highly of the time I am willing to waste...sitting on boards being told by members of my own community that I have no power. Funny, I always think, I'm on THIS side of the table and YOU? Are not. One man one vote and all, but I can sway a room if I say absolutely nothing for about an hour whilst concocting a REALLY good statement about why everyone should vote my way. It usually works. Well, if usually means always, it usually works.

But convincing myself of anything is a bit different. Doesn't always work. It's like Jerry Seinfeld's joke about ending any relationship being like knocking down a Coke machine, "It doesn't always go over with the first push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times!" So my getting rid of them before they got rid of me was a tough one. Guilt plagued me. Second and third thoughts made me uneasy. After all, hadn't I SAID I was doing this to "give back" to my community? How can someone undo a statement like that?..Did I really do that? Did I quit something in order to survive? If so, it is singly the FIRST time I have ever done it! So congratulations are, indeed, in order.

(more to come)...